“Take a good, hard look at your life.Think it over. You have spent a lot of money, but you haven’t much to show for it. You keep filling your plates, but you never get filled up. You keep drinking and drinking and drinking, but you’re always thirsty. You put on layer after layer of clothes, but you can’t get warm. And the people who work for you, what are they getting out of it? Not much— a leaky, rusted-out bucket, that’s what. Hagai 1:5-6
There’s no end to the publishing of books, and constant study wears you out so you’re no good for anything else. The last and final word is this:
Fear God. Do what he tells you. And that’s it. Eventually God will bring everything that we do out into the open and judge it according to its hidden intent, whether it’s good or evil. Ecclesiastes 12:12-14
I used to be a huge religious poser. Wait, no, I am a huge religious poser. Maybe a little recovered, but still a poser nonetheless. My fig leaf was finely crafted with the appearance of more knowledge of God than anyone. I was a Christian and I did desire to know Him more and make Him known, but my wound taught me that it was more important that people thought that of me than it really being true.
I veiled my life with all the Christian cultural accoutrements I could get my hands on:
- Got every popular book (but didn't read most or much of them)
- Watched all of those Christian movies (no comment...if you can't say something nice, and all that...)
- Listened only to Christian music (again, no comment)
- Rejected almost anything outside the genre
- Had frequent flyer cards to the primary Christian book shops
God was gracious with me and there is fruit to show for that season, but inwardly, I was rotting away. My insecurity grew and I got more and more isolated. Like the two verses above that I heard in a podcast this morning, I was sitting at a banquet feast of knowledge, but didn't really know Him any better.
It has been a long and arduous road that I won't complete this side of eternity, but there has been an abundance of forgiveness, reparations are being made, and I am feeling more free and alive than I ever have. Life is richening with relationship, affirmation, and opportunity.
Paradoxically, I have never been in a more precarious place in my journey. Very little is confirmed ahead of me, but He is wildly confirming things inside of me.
I went to a "boot camp" this last weekend. Between ones I've led and attended (both basic and advanced versions), I counted up somewhere between 15-20 experiences. There was a season where I attended these things only for knowledge. How could I learn more about what they are teaching and how to teach it?
This one was very different. Or maybe, I am different. It was a sumptuous feast where the only course on the menu for me was about knowing Him more. The situation was rife for it to be about the opposite, but the Father revealed His love, His favor, and His desperate desire for more of me in more of Him.
I left with a journal more full than it has ever been. This time, however, it is more full of questions than answers. More of an invitation to a journey than knowledge. More of Him in more of me means getting serious about my health, clearing some channels with a variety of relationships, and laying down any plans and expectations I have crafted for myself. It is about cleaning out the closets and replacing the remnants of my legalistic posing with His Fathering heart.
I am rejecting knowledge for the knowing.